the unfathomable....

[vernacular_life]

Just heard that a work friend who was due with her first child NEXT WEEK lost her baby. She had a miscarriage last year at 4 months, and now a full term stillborn.

she and I weren't close, but I'm crying thinking about her and the aching and emptiness she must be feeling.

I know there's nothing that I can do, but, what should I do? I know some of you have had multiple miscarriages - what did others do that touched you and helped you cope? Her immediate coworkers are all 50+ yr old men so are clueless about even the joyful things.....

Comments

[effy.livejournal.com]

I just met my downstairs neighbor, and she miscarried 2 weeks ago (she was 5 months). She said she also miscarried before at 4 months. I would LOVE to know what to say/do.

[vernacular-life.livejournal.com]

its so hard...why are we uncomfortable saying "I feel bad, but dont know what else to say, but I care about you and am hurting for you" I get so hung up in trying to not be self-important....

[lkell.livejournal.com]

i think a heartfelt note of condolences is appropriate. You may not be close, but you understand this enormous loss she, and her husband, are experiencing. Perhaps in a few weeks you can follow up with a question on if there is amemorial fund or a charity you can make a donation to. At full-term, they are likely to do a funeral or memorial service. there could be information there regarding their wishes. And above all ... use your general sensitivity.

How awful.

[vernacular-life.livejournal.com]

Thanks L - those are good ideas. The main thing that I dont want to do is have an office of clueless men do the wrong thing (i.e. a card that everyone signs).

[vernacular-life.livejournal.com]

i cringe at the 'god doesnt give you' statements......i just get so caught up in expressions of sympathy being self serving or offensive, then think that others might not take comfort in what I would....

urgh.

[ee-chick.livejournal.com]

My BFF's first daughter was stillborn. Other than a heartfelt "I'm so sorry for your loss," I think it depends on how close you are to her. You can send her food, or a gc to a restaurant delivery service or fluff and fold or something. Other than that, if/when you're in contact with her, let her talk.

A's biggest complaints when it came to people were (1) foot-in-mouth disease (2) that people ignored the fact that S existed (3) that people seem to think there's an appropriate/magic window of grief for losing a child

[vernacular-life.livejournal.com]

Oho C, I didn't know you had close personal expeience with a stillborn baby...how awful. I'm not that close to her (we have done lunch a few times but never out-of-the-office type stuff) but we have been kind of chatty over the years....oddly she pulled away during pregnancy.

Your friend's 3 biggest complaints are enlightning. I'm trying to 'help' her bosses (all men) realize that there is no window, and even if she comes back to work in 2 weeks, that certainly doesnt mean that she's "over it".


Just out of curiosity, did you friend have a funeral/memorial service?

[ee-chick.livejournal.com]

She did, and that outpouring of support was really important to her. There were a huge number of people that came, and she still comments on how much that meant to her. She shared some pictures of the baby at the service, and I know she is so, so thankful to have those. They were able to hold S and say goodbye. All of those things were essential for her.

It's not as rare as you'd think, unfortunately. She was shocked at how many women talked to her about their experiences. I think it's one of those cases where you'd give anything not to belong to the club, but it's comforting that you aren't the only one.

I hope your friend has a strong marriage. A's is the most solid that I know of my generation. It was the most terrible time I can imagine for them, but they really did draw strength from each other.

I don't think that's something you ever get over. That's something that you know intellectually, but for me at least, I didn't really know. S would be almost 4.5 now, and I imagine what she'd be like. I can't even imagine what it's like for her parents.

[djoyusone.livejournal.com]

:( I can't even imagine the pain she's going through. I have no advice other than some type of note of condolence.

[vernacular-life.livejournal.com]

every time I think about what I would do in her situation I start crying....

(AND, J, don't start worrying about bad things about you, 'k?????)

[djoyusone.livejournal.com]

Ummmm, too late! But my annoying nasal drip & stuffy head have kept all that type of paranoia at a minimum...for today. ;)

[steen70.livejournal.com]

I also think a nice card/note would be appropriate. Could you maybe go in with some other coworkers to get some pre-made meals delivered to her house or something?

[vernacular-life.livejournal.com]

I'm leaning to a note (not a fan of preprinted cards), but really want to honor the baby with something more 'permanant' (naturally, if its what the parents want). I'd love for the fund that's going to be growing at the office to go towards a bench or statue or *something* that is physical and lasts.......

her husband works in a (tree) nursery, so something planted would be weird, esp as they're also trying to sell their house and move.